Love and Other Catastrophes ( Feb 2005)

Dog Day Afternoon
By Kat Holigores


I wasn’t quite sure what exactly my friend meant when over lunch one day, she muttered “Men are dogs” (This, I thought, a rather curious thing to say considering we had just gotten around to asking the routine how-are-yous). She looked quite ruffled, and in a feeble attempt to lighten the mood and not wanting to initiate an emotional outburst I happily retorted with “You mean they’re not Martians anymore?”

Instead of a laugh I was met by a growl and polite, bordering on uncomfortable, silence from the rest of my female friends. So, men are dogs, and women are bitches? I thought, but held my tongue with the intent of getting through lunch in one piece. My friend was obviously having relationship issues, either with one man or with a bunch of them so glib remarks weren’t going to help.

I wondered if I had been a little insensitive responding to her the way I did. I am aware that there exist many frustrations in trying to make a relationship work and I have yet to discover a hard and fast rule of thumb.

In recent years we have been hit by a massive deluge of books, videos, talk shows, seminars, magic miracle chain emails that promise a better you and yours. Any relationship, especially between you and your significant other, is promised an elixir based on the experiences and wisdom of a phalanx of experts out there. In spite of easy accessibility to said elixir, I have stayed clear of the Men are from Mars Women are from Venus alien invasion, ignored (and probably broken) The Rules, and turned a blind eye to Why Men Don’t Listen and Why Women Can’t Read Maps. When it comes to personal relationships, I decide to wing it.

My friend’s remark still remained in my head the next day as I passed by a bookstore looking at everything from Unconditional Love to Tough Love, from Deepak Chopra to Dr. Phil, it seemed there was nothing really there to use as basis for the parallelism between the human race and the canine. So, having not satisfied my curiosity, I decided to go back to the source and give my friend a call, keeping my fingers crossed that she had already forgotten what took place over lunch.

“It’s true!” she exclaimed over the phone, “In fact, I was advised to get this book that best explains why men ARE dogs!” the title? “How To Make Your Man Behave In 21 Days Or Less Using The Secrets Of Professional Dog Trainers”. I laughed out loud in disbelief, forgetting my effort at being more sensitive. “You’re kidding right?” I said.

“No, I’m not” she responded firmly, and then told me she had already placed an order online. Not wanting to get growled at again (and possibly bitten), I decided to shelve my distrust for ‘relationship’ answering books and asked to borrow it as soon as she was done.

How to Make your Man Behave turned out to be a very easy, amusing read. It was a little (literally) 92-page heavily illustrated hardbound manual written by Karen Salmansohn an ad writer and creative director, and illustrated by Alison Seiffer. There is no indication at all anywhere in the book that either women are relationship experts, or dog trainers, still, the short lessons contained in the book should provide insight to those who are seeking it, and a good laugh to those who, like me, judged a book by its cover/title.

To fully benefit from the lessons in the book, you must first change any word pertaining to dog to man…from puppy, to mutt, to canine. In other words, a pack of dogs…is a pack of….men. This extends to actions associated with dogs i.e. “petting” and “wagging its tail”, as well as certain “Doggy Styles” which explains types of dogs to choose depending on ones needs.

All in all, the book targets not only dogs, but even their trainers. Trainers have to understand that the method in understanding their dog is not solely based on WHAT you tell them and WHEN (punishment for wrongdoing should be immediate) but more importantly HOW. “Never make a habit of yelling or in time your dog will NEVER LISTEN to what you have to say.” I think, regardless of your position on the maturity food chain (canine or human) being yelled at is never a pleasant or positive experience.

The similarities pointed out on why men and dogs share similar psychological patterns range from the deep, (dogs like to move around in packs), to the crass yet funny “A dog believes there’s no such thing as spending too much time catering to one’s genitalia.” And may prove insightful for inexperienced and experienced dog trainers (not to mention a good laugh).

I must admit, that this was a very enjoyable first dip into the pool of relationship-oriented books, and for dogs and dog lovers alike, certainly a couple of lessons worth chewing on. Now if I can only get them to heel.